Ed & I

Ed (my eating disorder) has been mean to me today. He’s mad at me because I had a bagel this morning. He doesn’t think that I deserve to have a bagel, because I didn’t work out hard enough this morning. This is what my conversation with Ed sounds like today;

Ed: Don’t eat lunch. You already had a bagel, that’s too many calories. You don’t deserve to eat lunch today.
Me: I need to eat lunch. I have to.
Ed: No you don’t, you’re fat, you can pull from that. You’re already bloated, and now you’re making yourself fatter, does that feel good?
Me: You’re right, I’m fat. But I’m going to eat lunch anyway.
Ed: Every bite of rice that you eat will make you feel fat and worse about yourself. Why would you do that to us?
Me: That may be true, but food is fuel, and I need to eat.
Ed: Great, you ate a bowl of brown rice. Don’t you feel awful? You should. You’ve had so many carbs today, you probably gained 5 pounds. And by the way, you look fat with your hair that short. Just give up, you’re worthless.
Me: I know I am. Leave me alone. You’re mean, and you’re making me feel awful about myself.
Ed: Well you’re fat, you don’t deserve any better. Lose weight, then we’ll talk about me being nicer.
Me: You make me feel crazy.
Ed: You are crazy

That’s the kind of conversation that Ed and I have on a daily basis. He’s a bully, and he makes me feel insane a lot of the time. I fight back, but it’s hard, and sometimes I lose.

Having said that, it’s still been 3 months since I’ve purged. So naturally, Ed is livid. He thinks that I’m gaining weight, that I gave up on losing weight with him, and that I’m worthless once again. Ed only likes me when I’m throwing up every meal, and that’s not someone that I want around.

I’m reading a book called “Life Without Ed” by Jenni Schaefer, and it’s helping me separate myself from Ed. For anyone with an eating disorder, or a loved one that suffers from one, it’s a great resource and can help clarify so many things. Eating disorders are as hard to understand as they are to explain, which is tough. None of you should understand what I go through on a day-to-day basis, as it’s almost impossible for me to describe.

I’m working on getting Ed out of my life. I’m lucky enough to have a great support system to help remind me that Ed’s opinion doesn’t matter, that he’s a bully, and that I don’t need him. I’ll get there. I’ll definitely get there.