Movement & The Future

Lately I’ve been feeling like everything is moving¬†around me. I’m at the age now where there is so much happening, and it can be overwhelming and discouraging sometimes. Everyone is moving on, getting married, having babies and making huge steps toward the future.

Do you ever feel like you’re getting left behind? Sometimes I do. It’s weird, because I love where I am in life. I really do. I have an awesome job, the most incredible significant other, a great apartment in a place that I love, and yet sometimes, I feel like I’m behind. It’s an odd feeling, because I’m really happy. It’s hard to understand sometimes.

When I was young, I always had a plan. I was going to get married at 22, have kids by the time I was 25, and be done having them by around 28 or 29. It was so aggressive and I was sure that it would work. Well, I’m almost 24, not married, and not even close to ready to have a kid. Weird. My plans have changed so much, and sometimes I think I get caught up in the plan that my 15 year old self had.

I think a lot of this comes back to Ed. He convinced me that my plan didn’t happen because I wasn’t worth being married to. He told me that I would be a bad wife and mother, and that’s why it didn’t happen the way I had always thought that it would.

Well, Ed was wrong. I would have been a bad mother when I was that young, because I was still way too caught up in my own shit. I was so far in my own head, that I couldn’t have begun to make someone else as happy as what they deserved. But now I can.

It’s a weird feeling, knowing that you’re ready for that next step in life. I’ve never felt anything like this before. Granted, I don’t need it to happen tomorrow, but I’m finally at a point where I’ve accepted myself in this life, and I don’t hate myself anymore. It’s pretty relieving, actually. I never thought I would get to this point, but I have. I’m ready to make someone else happy and take a break from working on myself for a while. I’ll never not be working on myself, but I don’t have to solely focus on my recovery anymore.

So even though I’m feeling left behind, I know I’m not. I know that I’m there, and that it’s coming for me. To whatever the future brings, I’m ready for it.